One Night

The moment you asked me out! Wow! My heart was beating so fast. You were the most gorgeous creation of God’s handiwork. Your smile, the way you told corny jokes, the way you held my hand, acknowledging to all that we were a couple.

I felt loved. I felt joy. I felt beautiful.

It was one night. I was tired, not feeling my best. It was an awful day at work and all I wanted to do was get home, crawl in my bed and sleep. Just rest. You called. I said I wasn’t up for company. You insisted to stop by. You said you would bring hot soup. You would sit with me. You would make sure I was okay.

You knocked. I opened the door. You smiled. You hugged me. I smiled. You rubbed my shoulders. I said that felt nice. You unfastened my bra. I said, not tonight. You said, “I’ll make you feel better.” I said, “No! Seriously, I’m not feeling well, please, not tonight!” You frowned a little, but sat on the couch, grabbed the remote and found a movie. I snuggled near you, with my blanket and a cup of tea, wondering silently what happened to the hot soup. I fell asleep, with my head on your shoulder.

I felt a push, my back now on the couch. You removed my panties and did not care as I struggled and screamed No! You made no sound. You made no sound. You made no sound.

You grabbed the remote, searching for another movie.

I made no sound.

Our LGBTQ Children in Youth Ministry

Youth Ministry. How do we define this? So many churches have youth ministry programs that they provide to members and their neighboring communities. These ministries involves bible reading, bible games, sleep-ins, trips, bean bags, church sports teams, arts & crafts, ring ceremonies for sexual abstinence and maintaining quiet with concerns for friends and classmates who sit in youth ministry along side them who are unable to impress who they are. They enjoy the times that they are with friends but youth ministry for them is a struggle.

As a black female preacher in my early years, who worked with young people, first serving as a youth choir director, then working as a youth director, my concern was that these young people, that God allowed me to inspire, that they would grow up to be anything they wanted to be in life and to be successful, living full lives themselves, that their children would grow to do the same. But I never had to consider or was aware that I should consider that their sexual orientation mattered in order to live productive lives. In the late seventies and early eighties, at least in the black church, that was never a thought. Sure there were members in our churches who we talked about being gay and keeping things hush, hush. We thought it was not important, this was an adult thing and adults knew how to handled any conversation about sex or sexual orientation. But now this is not an adult conversation. It is not a hush hush moment.

I work with young people today. Today is not like the seventies or eighties. And because gay voices are no longer hushed, because these generation of children have friends who have same sex parents, have teachers, principles that march proudly in their communities during pride month, who have teammates that stand tall and play in who they are, I wonder in youth ministry programs are we providing a space and safety for our children who identify as LGBTQ, do they feel safe enough to voice who they are without being rebuked or us going to get the holy oil to sprinkle their sins away? When in youth ministry we talk about dating and love, how do we speak on those subjects? What happens when a young boy or girl raises their hands at a sleep-in and ask the question, will God still love me if I’m gay, if I’m queer? The answer can’t be to say hush. Not this time.

Our churches look like the communities in which we live….or they should be. Working with young people today I can tell you that they are looking at the members in the churches they attend which look nothing like their communities. And they are beginning to ask the questions. Can I bring my friend to church? Can I ask my favorite teacher to my choir’s concert? Will the youth ministry support me when I march proudly in my local pride parade?

Love and acceptance has to be the overwhelming message in youth ministry today. To minister to a person is to minister to the entire person. I do know that there are some young people that are struggling with their sexuality and on Sunday mornings, in a worship service, can be one of the hardest things they endure.

Someone is probably saying right now that well if we teach Bible our children won’t be like this or like that. Let me just say this. I remember a relative who at the age of five we knew he was different. There was nothing evil about him, there was no demon embodying him. He was the most perfect five year old. He loved life and enjoyed helping him mom with his baby brother. He loved church and God. As he grew, the church and community began to distance themselves from him. He died of an AIDS related illness. His funeral was held in a church. But between the time of 5 and upon the time of his death which I believe he passed away in his late twenties, the church never served him any kind of love or care. Listen to me closely, his love for God never wavered. Nor did God’s love for him. God loves our loves our ALL CHILDREN! So should we.

Rev. Jacqui

Getting older and embracing it!

I am now 59. How should I embrace this time of preparing to see the big 60 around the corner? Hmmmm?

I will make it fun! I will laugh and dance! I will run my fingers through my thinning hair! I will keep flossing so I can keep the teeth I have! I will workout, maybe not go overboard though, to keep my bones strong. I will wear funky outfits that will make heads spin. I will shake my hips! I will be a sexy diva and make my husband blush everyday.

I will love me!

Move Forward

There is no way you can be alive today in this nation in which we live and not be overwhelmed, bruised, hurt, tired, tearful, frustrated, angry, fearful and so much more painful feelings and thoughts caused by the evil ones. We become stagnant. Everything around us stop and all we can do is stand in one spot looking hopeless.

We.Can’t.Stay.Here.

Move Forward. One step at a time.
Move Forward. The issues won’t magically disappear.
Move Forward. The children must stop crying.
Move Forward. Police brutality must end.
Move Forward. White Supremacy must be destroyed.
Move Forward. Nationalism cannot be the order of the day.
Move Forward. Hunger must be wiped out.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves a home.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves an opportunity.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves a good education.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves freedom.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves love.
Move Forward. Everyone deserves to see God.

Move forward and let your light shine so bright that it will cast out darkness so that others will see they too have a path to move forward.

Rev. J

You have permission.

Writing can be scary, at least for me. I’m usually nervous about what people think…yep, still trying to get through that awful feeling. I’m really learning how to put out in black and white how my mind works. I know that itself may be dangerous. I mean once you open yourself up to the world, you never know what kind of response the universe will throw back your way. And to tell you the truth, that can be quite frightening when you expect the worse response. Case in point, I started writing a small piece a month ago. I wanted to stop after typing the words , “I’m struggling.” Fearful on what someone would say or fearful that someone thought I may need saving which the only thing I wanted to do was just write and have a fist fight with my thoughts. So I stopped typing because what you think (not you really) of me was unfortunately winning. Then I received a note from a friend telling me she had not seen anything I wrote lately, like what happened??! Where did you go? I just got scared to share. But hearing the news of the suicide of Kate Spade (I have these adorable Kate Spade eyewear) and Anthony Bourdain (love this guy) I really should not care what response the universe gives me. This is my healing, not yours (of course I’m not talking to you in an embarrassing voice) so here goes. This is what I started to type a month and 6 days ago.

“I’m struggling. No. Not with an illness. Not in my marriage. Not with finances. Not in a way that I need for friends and family to drop whatever they are doing to come see about me. I’m just struggling. It’s not a serious matter, of course, though what is serious to one person can be detrimental to another. But I assure you, I’m just struggling. Can’t really explain it. Things don’t come as clear to me as they do for other people, I’m guessing. I exist. I get up. I try. I know I’ve been called to do more than just exist. And there lies the issue. That’s it! I’m not struggling! I’m not living!”

I was in a funk. I found so many reasons to pick an argument with myself. Why did I gain so much weight? I was doing so well! Why is my hair still thinning, I’m taking my Vitamin D! Damn!!! Why am I still at this freaking job for 36 years?? You know the feeling sorry for yourself that you can’t even see your worth. But I just realized something in vomiting my mess and insecurities. I was living! I was actually living!

Doing life involves all of this, days when the sunshine is so bright you don’t ever want it to end and days when the clouds consume you, you scratch to get out. I was scratching to get out from under the clouds…if I didn’t scratch to get out, then life, living does not happen. Experiencing the pain was living! Getting out from under dark clouds mean that I scream, kick, pray and sometimes even curse. Those actions and sounds are visible and loud. I didn’t need to hide getting out in fear or others, I scratch to get out because of others! My husband, my children, my friends, myself. Because I’m worth living, even when life can be painful. I’m worth living all of it. I’m worth living the happiness and I’m worth living the pain.

If you find yourself in a funk and someone tells you not to be there, don’t listen! If you’re struggling and afraid to even say the words, “I’m struggling”, say it anyway. And say it proudly! It is not a moment to be prideful on what people will think, or how people will assume that you are not grateful that God is blessing you and you should be continuously happy! There is a scripture that comes to mind, “The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17 NRSV). You have permission to scratch through the dark clouds, permission to cry, permission to scream, permission to live.

I’ve learned that I never stay in the struggle. I go through, but I don’t stay! Tomorrow is a new day! You have a new day! But if you want to scream today…. go ahead!!!

Mental illness is not a crime! Mental illness is not a sin!!! If you need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255.

Rev. Jacqui

Show Up!

The Royal Wedding was a delight! Such a positive and happy moment for a lot of people who just needed to feel comfort. Just to be able to sit in front of the television with no hearing of killings or rudeness that spews from the mouth of those who sit in powerful positions yet lack power in love. Thank you Bishop Michael Curry for preaching to us today, reminding us that it’s not a fairy tale or just in our imagination that love,

God’s Agape love can truly happen when “we all show up”.

Be a blessing to someone today!

Rev. J