Arrival

I am breathing, not a sigh of relief from anything to be saved from or anything to be liberated from.  I’m breathing because I just feel okay.  It can be often tiresome to keep seeking for acceptance, for self-help advice books, for meditating sounds, for motivations to make me feel like I’m queen of the world.  I’m breathing because I’m okay.

I use to think that being okay was not good enough.  That I needed to be more dynamic, more gorgeous, more intelligent, more sexy, more joyous, more happy, more giving, more loving, more great.  Can it be that I’ve reach my limit of more? And what is “more” anyway?  Can it be that I’m okay now where I am, how I am.  Because I’m pretty sure I’m okay.

I am smiling, thinking about how much I’ve placed so much effort into being more.  But it’s funny, because through my effort, I seem to have remained the same for some years now, like my mind and soul keeps telling me, “Stop holding yourself hostage!”  I’m smiling because I’ve realized that it is just possible that I have arrived.  Where was I trying to get to?  Some facade of a make believe person so that she can pretend to be more than she is which really is but less than what she realizes and less than what she possesses?

Don’t you ever get tired of running away from yourself?  I ask myself. Or constantly finding something to change about yourself? I ask myself.  So much of searching for if I can just talk well or read faster or be organized or lead with no failure or dress with power or smile showing white straight teeth or walk in stilettos or make heads turn and take notice when walking into a room or being the one that is needed the most.  I’m laughing now…girl you must think you’re many people, a superhero, multiple personalities?

For today, at this moment, I’m okay.  I believe that okay is good, that it is whole, that it is loving and kind to me and others.  I give my true-self to others, all of the flaws, all of the crooked teeth, all of my insecurities, all of sometimes mispronounced words.  I give them my best self.

It’s cold outside here in lovely Philadelphia but the sun is shining, providing warmth and reminding me even when there is a chill that pushes me inward that my soul still has a way of breaking free, shining it’s glorious self all over the universe. I’m okay.  How about you?